random

I got to see a sneak peak of Nick and Norah's Infiniate Playlist and it was amazing. Michael Cera and I will have beautiful, awkward children together.

Im still sick, well I have an annoying cough. Maybe I should stop smoking.

I miss Drew, I know its stupid but I do. I walk around downtown every night with Katie (its just something we decided to do) and I always hope that Im going to run into him. I just want to say "Hi" and see how things are. But I know the more I think about seeing I won't. It sucks.

I hate being lied to. Even though Sarah and I have started talking again I still dont think things will go back to being that way they were. Not for a while at least.

Katie and I were at Hollywood Cementary the other night and we were just talking about life and everything at has happened in the past year. Katie started crying and yeah I felt bad but I didn't feel anything. Im not happy but Im not sad. I don't cry anymore even when I think about horrible things, I get nothing. Im just numb. I would give anything to feel even if its pain just to know that I can feel again, that I haven't lost emotions. To be normal. Human.

I have an eating disorder. I probably shouldn't be so open about it but its not a secret everyone arounds me know. Its not a matter of thinking Im fat its more of I have no control over anything in my life anymore so I control what I eat. I know I need to go get help. But I am seriously flat broke. I have no gas in my car. No money in my account. I own the city money for those damn parking tickets... ugh.

later.

changes

Being sick blows. Being broke blows even harder.

Sarah left me a 4 page note on my car the other day. It just said things about missing me and that I was being lied to by someone and not to trust them. Well frankly I don't trust anyone, not even my best friend. It's sad to say that but its true. How can I ? After all the bullshit I've been through this fucking year I'm surprise I haven't tried to kill someone or even myself. No that's wrong to say, I would never kill myself over stupid shit.

It's been a long year and I haven't gotten a break yet but I've done some pretty fucked up shit so maybe this is my karma. Maybe I have no one because I need to make myself happy before someone else can. Who knows?

I've been smoking like crazy lately, which isn't like me. I guess I'm stressed but that's no excuse. It's probably why I'm not getting any better. My sleep schedule is all over the place. I need to get my shit together.

I'm moving out in January with Katie. I wanted Britt to come to but her money situation isn't that great, which I understand. I look forward to it. My dad is gonna flipped but whatever.

later.

ugh

i dont why i have this thing. guess im sick of my sitdiary and i dont like to blog on myspace.

anyway. boys are retarded.... or maybe its me. i think there is something wrong with me. maybe im the retarded one. i dont know, im just confused thats all.

ive lost my best friend. im kinda happy there seems to be less stress in my life but at times i miss her but i cant get over what she did. its probably for the best.

im sick of driving with katie to random places with creepy people. its annoying.

whatever.

i want stability.

if i were you i would take this as a sign.
believe its true.
we were never meant to fly.